Listen to Your Elders

You can go shopping next week on Black Friday and many people will.  But the day after Thanksgiving is also The National Day of Listening.

Telling their stories is especially important for elders.

“The need for an older [person] to tell and retell the stories of her life is no idle preoccupation with the past. It is a vital process of coming to terms with events and experiences in a way that can ultimately place them in an expanded frame of reference,” ~ Joan Borysenko, Ph.D. in A Woman’s Book of Life.

My mother surprised me when this need surfaced.  For my entire life Mom avoided revealing herself.  What made her tick remained largely a mystery. Then, a few years ago, she spontaneously asked, “What questions do you have for me?”  and announced, “I’ve been meaning to tell you about the time…”

Mom often doesn’t remember something I just told her, but scenes of her past live vividly and require expression.  If I cannot conjure a question, she is disappointed.  She expresses an urgency to bring the past forward and reveal it while she still can.

She tells the same stories over and over with great relish.  Her favorite is the time my dad tricked a Lothario into not going home with his mistress.  Mom laughs and laughs as she recounts that evening.  It’s fun for me to hear about her lighter side: gay, carefree and mischievous.

I’m looking for new questions to ask her.  I found help from StoryCorps, sponsors of The National Day of Listening, in their guide for conducting do-it-yourself interviews.  Here are some suggestions.

Create a List of Questions

Think about what you would like to learn from your partner, then make a list of 5-10 questions. Here are some questions that have led to great conversations:

• What are some of the most important lessons you have learned in life?
• What are you most proud of?
• What was the happiest moment of your life? The saddest?
• Who has been the biggest influence on your life? What lessons did they teach you?
• How would you like to be remembered?

Keep the Conversation Flowing

• Listen closely. Look your storyteller in the eyes. Smile. Stay engaged.
• Stick with the good stuff. Try to keep to the topics that move you. If the current topic isn’t what you want… gently steer the conversation in another direction.
• Ask emotional questions. Asking “How does this make you feel?” often elicits interesting responses. Don’t be afraid to ask.
• Respect your subject. If there is a topic that your interview partner doesn’t want to talk about, respect his or her wishes and move on.
• Take notes during the interview. Write down questions or stories you might want to return to later.
• Be curious and honest, and keep an open heart. Great things will happen.”

Great things have happened as Mom and I have swapped stories. I see the young vibrant woman who lived before I was born.  We have become closer and enjoy each other as peers.  I will miss her more now that I know her so much better.  I am grateful that there is so much more of her for me to miss.

This Thanksgiving I’m going to ask Mom some new questions about her life. Then I’m going to sit back and listen.

Resources:

www.storycorps.org

http://nationaldayoflistening.org